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by Jin?

Discipline your child
Some common misconceptions about discipline. In the first half-century child psychology in-depth study teachers, psychoanalysts, child psychiatrists, psychologists and pediatricians. Parents read with interest the results of these studies, newspapers and magazines are willing to tell them. We gradually learned many interesting things: that the children most need is love of good parents that children themselves are working hard to become adults and responsible, that many of those who subsequently gets into trouble, suffer from a lack of love, and not from the “wealth of rigor ; that children are happy in school, if the material corresponds to their age, and teachers understand them, that jealousy of brothers and sisters and the occasional angry feelings toward their parents are completely natural and the child should not be ashamed, that the interest of the child for life and for some sexual aspect, too, is perfectly normal, that is too harsh suppression of aggressive feelings and sexual interest leads to neurosis, that subconscious feelings and attraction are important, not less conscious, that every child has their own personality and it should be.
All of these ideas now seem commonplace, but when they expressed the first time, they were totally unexpected and made a strong impression. Many of them are contrary views, prevailed for centuries. Unable to change so many ideas about the nature and needs of children, knocking parents confused. Parents whose childhood was fortunate and who have grown up confident, confused less than others. They looked acquainted with these new ideas and could even agree with them. But when it comes to raising children, they raised their children as they raised themselves. And with their children receive as well as with them. Such is the natural way of learning methods of education – to grow into a good and happy family.
Parents who are new educational ideas were observed with great difficulty themselves in childhood was not very happy. Many of them experienced both anger and guilt because of strained relations between them and their parents. They did not want their children have experienced what they experienced in childhood. They therefore welcomed the new theory. But often read in them that does not mean scientists, for example, that the only thing the children need – is parental love, that children should not be forced to obey, it is impossible to restrain their aggressive ambitions in relation to parents and others; that if something goes wrong, blame only the parents, that when children misbehave, parents should not get angry or punish them, but should only further demonstrate their love. All of these misconceptions, if they make far enough, it is not applicable in practice. They encourage children to become demanding and disobedient. Make children aware of the blame for his misbehavior, forcing parents to make superhuman efforts. When a child starts to misbehave, the parents of a time trying to contain his anger. But over time they explode. And then feel guilty and depressed. And this leads to even worse behavior of the child.
Some are very polite and well-bred parents allow children to be absolutely intolerable not only to themselves but also with outsiders. They do not seem to see what happens. When such situations are considered more closely, we find that these parents were forced as a child always behave very well and correctly and to restrain the natural resentment and hostility. And now they get a gloating satisfaction from the fact that their child is allowed that they had to restrain themselves, these parents believe that the act in accordance with the latest theories of child rearing.
As the guilt felt by parents leads to problems with discipline. There are many situations in which parents are aware of guilt in relation to a particular child. There are other obvious cases: the mother goes to work, unable to cope with the knowledge that she throws her child, parents whose child suffers from a mental or physical disability, parents, adoptive child and believes that in order to make superhuman efforts to justify the that took away the child with someone else, parents who have experienced childhood so much disapproval, that now feel always guilty until proven otherwise, parents who have studied child psychology in college or vocational school, everyone knows what to avoid, but they believe that because of their professional knowledge to cope with the task to perfection.
Whatever the cause of consciousness of guilt, it interferes with parents to raise a child. Such parents tend to expect too little from the child and too much of yourself. (In this case, more often it is a mother, because that’s what it is directly caring for the child, but the same may well apply to the father.) Mother tries to remain patient and calm when her patience was exhausted already, and the child has already passed allframes and needs to be strict impact. Mother or hesitant when necessary firmness and determination.
Child as an adult, knows when he misbehaves, rude and naughty, even if the mother is turning a blind eye. And the feeling deep inside himself to blame. He would like to stop it. But if it is not corrected, it is likely to behave worse and worse. He seemed to be saying: ‘How bad should I be that someone stopped me? “
Over time, his behavior becomes so provocative that the mother can not stand. She scolds him or punish. Peace restored. But the trouble with such a mother who feels guilty and ashamed of his failure. Therefore, instead of forgetting about the incident, the mother tries to make amends or allows a child to punish myself. Possibly allow the child to be rude to his right during the punishment. Or revokes the sentence, when it has not yet happened. Or pretends not to notice when a child again starts to behave badly. In some cases, the mothers themselves provoke the child to disobedience, of course, not knowing what they are doing.
Perhaps all this seems too complicated or unnatural. If you can not imagine a parent who allows a child to commit murder with impunity or, worse, encourages it, it just proves that you have no problems with consciousness of guilt. Most of the honest and conscientious parents occasionally produce a child out of control, they feel that they were being unfair to him or not caring. But soon restore the balance. However, if the parent says: “Everything that makes this kid drives me crazy” – this usually means that the parent is in my heart feels guilty and too much to allow a child who reacts to these constant provocations. No child can be annoying accident. If the mother is able to understand what she was too inferior to the child and be firm, she will be happy that her child will not only behave better, but will be much happier. Then it will be better able to love him, and he – to respond to that love.
You can be both firm and friendly. The child must understand that his parents, affectionate and friendly, have their rights, may be firm and not allow him to do unreasonable or rude. These are more like him. So from the very beginning of learning to behave sensibly. A spoiled child, even in his own home is never happy.And when the leaves in the world – in 2 years, 4 or B, then undergoes a strong shock.He discovers that no one is going to pander to him, on the contrary, nobody likes because of his selfishness. He would either have to live all your life no one loved, or with great difficulty to learn to be gentle and friendly.
Conscientious parents often allow the child to use their advantage, yet not burst their patience, then they pounce on him. But both these stages are not necessary. If the parents normal self-esteem, they will be able to fend for themselves, keeping the friendship. For example, if a child insists that you continue to play when you’re tired, do not be afraid to tell him kindly but firmly: “I’m too tired. Now I admire, and you too can read. “
If your child is stubborn and does not want to return the toy to another child, who must go home, do not assume that you need to have endless patience. Collect his toy, even if it for a minute and cry.
 Let the child know that anger is natural. If a child is rude to his parents – because something annoyed or jealous because his brother or sister – to immediately stop it and demand civility. But at the same time, parents can tell the child that knows that sometimes he gets angry at them. All children sometimes get angry at their parents.To you it may seem contradictory: you seem to reject the sentence before the baby is his left. Numerous descriptions of the educational work with children indicate that the child feels happier if parents require him reasonable good behavior. But at the same time helps the child to the realization that parents know about his angry feelings and angry at him for them. Such awareness helps him overcome his anger and keeps the guilt or fear. In practice, understanding well the difference between the hostile feelings and hostile actions.
 The father should be involved in the education discipline. Father, to whom his own father too harshly treated in childhood, may say: “I do not want my child to hate me as much as I sometimes hated his father.” And so to avoid any unpleasant explanations with his son, giving all the discipline problems of the mother. If the boy something irritates his father, he tries to hide this feeling, and says nothing. This is totally unnecessary. Child understands when he is upset with the parents or broke the rules, and wants it corrected. If the father tries to hide his disapproval or irritation, the child only feels anxiety. He imagines that one day will break all this pent-up anger (which is often very close to the truth), and afraid of what will happen then. Studies show that a child is more afraid of his father, who refrains from accustoming him to the discipline, than the one who does not hesitate to punish the child or to show their displeasure. In the second case, the boy learns to get a well-deserved, she learned that the punishment is unpleasant, but not fatally, and the atmosphere cleared. Therefore, a child needs a father who is sometimes his friend, but remains all the time her father.
 Do not say: “Would you like to …»; just do what you think is necessary. It is easy to get used to baby talk: “Would you like to sit down and have dinner?”, “Do not dress up to us, now?”, “Do you want to pee-pee?”. The trouble is that the natural response of a child, especially those aged between a year and three “no”. Then the poor mother had to convince the child what to do in any case. To such disputes go a thousand words. Better not give the child a chance to argue. When it comes to dinner, take him away or drop, still speaking about what he was doing. When you see signs that the time for him to the toilet, take him there or bring a pot. Begins to undress him, not even saying why they are doing.
It may seem that I advise you to swoop on a child without giving him time to recover.Nothing like that. In fact, every time you interrupt the lesson, which fascinated the child, it is better to do it tactfully. If your child is keen pyatnadtsatimesyachny inserts one cube to another, takes him to the dinner table with dice in his hands and Collect them only by giving instead of a spoon. If a child plays with a toy dog, when it’s time to go to bed, tell him: “Come on dog laid in bed.” If your child of three drags on the floor the rope toy car when it’s time to swim, ask him to commit long-long trip to the bathroom.When you show interest in what he was doing, the child becomes more compliant.
When the child grew older, he is more focused, harder to distract. Then it is better to advance in a friendly warning. If your son is building four blocks from the warship, tell him: “Put the gun in place quickly, and I want the ship was ready, before you lie down to sleep.” So much better than to grab him in the middle of an exciting experience, as if in front of you is not a warship, and a pile of toys scattered on the floor. Of course, this requires patience and, of course, you have it will not always.
Do not engage in lengthy explanations to the child. Sometimes there are children aged from one year to three, which disturbs too many warnings. Year-old boy’s mother is always trying to explain to them why something can not be done: “Jackie, do not touch the lamp a doctor because you have to break it and the doctor could not see.” Jackie anxiously looking at the lamp and said: “The doctor could not see.” A minute later, he tries to open a door leading out into the street. Mother again he warns: “Do not go out the door. Jackie may be lost, and his mom does not find. “Poor Jackie ponders this new danger, and says: “My mother does not find it.” He is bad to hear so much about unpleasant possibilities. This brings up a dark imagination. Year-old child should not worry about the consequences of their actions.This is the period when he learns, performing actions and observing the results of their actions. I’m not saying that you should never prevent a child in words, only you have to take into account the peculiarities of his thinking.
I remember the superconscious mother, who believed that the child should explain everything. When it came out of the house, she had no idea just put the child and go.She began: “Do not wear a coat to us?” – “No” – answered the child. ”Oh, but we want to go out and be a little on the fresh air.” Child is already accustomed to assume that the mother is obliged to explain everything to him, and it motivates him to argue on every occasion. So he asks: “Why?” And so on, all day long. Such fruitless and meaningless explanations and arguments do not make it more obedient and not cause of respect for the mother as a reasonable man. The child would have been much more happy and confident in their safety if the mother was more confident in myself and in a friendly manner would be developed automaticity in the performance of daily activities.
If a small child was in a dangerous situation or wants something forbidden, you should not persuade his words. Its just need to drag and deflect anything safe and fun. When he was a little older and become responsible, tell him “no” and distracting than anything. If it requires an explanation or reason, explain in simple words. But do not assume that he needed to explain all of your guidance. At heart he is aware of his inexperience. And hopes that you will save him from danger. And he feels safe, if you manage them, but tactfully and not very noticeable.